My maternal Grandmother's name was Elizabeth Birdella Morris, Bower, Hughes. She was an amazing, interesting, talented, funny, stubborn, loving, hard working woman. I was very close to her in the formative first 18 years of my life. One of my favorite things about her were her sayings. They pop into my mind daily. This morning's was "A Day Late and A Dollar Short".
I thought of it this morning after having the opportunity to take care of my 8 month old grandson, Charlie. I am lucky enough to have my adult kids have returned home with their children. These are tough economic times, that make it necessary to make changes in our lifestyles. While I am sure that there are times that they long for the privacy of their own places, there are also a lot of great trade offs. Like the fact that there is all most always an extra pair of arms or two to help out with the little ones, or cooking, or yard work, etc. Frankly, it will be a pretty lonely day when they all leave. I think of this often as my youngest is now 16, and chomping at the bit to spread her wings.
I thought about it again this morning while taking care of Charlie. I was sitting in my room, working on a project and heard him fussing, kinda whining, with that, "I'm bored, get me outta here sound in his voice."
One thing that I learned early on in this living arrangement is: I am NOT the MAMA! It is hard, but after making it my mantra when my granddaughter was born 3 1/2 years ago, it is easier this time. When the crying or fuss reaches a certain point with either grandchild, I will, however check in on the situation. This morning, Charlie's Mama and Daddy were extra tired, so I offered to take him for a while.
It is funny how it all comes back. First thing, new diaper to replace the soggy one. Next, play time that involved singing, pat-a-cake (his new favorite), kicking exercise, cross pattern exercise, & "This little piggy".
Then on to breakfast of oatmeal cereal mixed with warm water and baby apricots. He didn't really want to eat......but I knew he needed to. So we played eating games, and lo and behold, I got him to eat a half a bowl of cereal. Knowing he was dry and fed, I cleaned out his play pen and reorganized and assembled all his toys. He was happy as can be to play while I cleaned up the table, washed a load of dishes and watered the front porch plants. It took me back to a very distant memory.....I felt focused, and happy......like I was doing what I was meant to do.
And then it hit me........."A Day Late and A Dollar Short"...........this is the job that I was always best suited for, and the one I love the most........a stay at home wife and Mom. I LOVE the job and am so well suited for it. I loved summertime with my kids and always felt sad when it was time for the kids to return to school. I loved family mealtime and making food with my kids. I love yard work and gardening and sewing and playing with children......and of all the jobs that I have loved......it is the one that I was never able to devote myself to.
I had moments in time. When my son was a baby, I had three gardens, baked bread every Tuesday, had laundry day, ironed my husband's shirts and even canned. Somehow, I got swept into the idea that I wasn't "contributing" enough to the family and should be making an income too. I will never forget the first day that I took him to daycare at 22 months old. I cried all the way to work. It always felt wrong for me.
You make yourself do what you think you have to and learn little by little to give up what you want. A few months after that, I found out that I was pregnant again. Sure......I was a "modern" woman. I worked through the entire pregnancy, and because I owned my own business, I returned to work with my newborn in tow when she was 8 days old. I got up every morning and took care of an infant and a 3 year old and got us ready for the day. Took him to preschool, her with me, and worked all day long, returning home between 6 to 7 pm. "I am Woman, Hear me Roar", or was that "Snore"? Small wonder that my marriage disintegrated by 1984, when my daughter was 15 months old.
Then I entered the Divorced Mom's world of survival.........just trying to get through the days and weeks and months of keeping your head above water. Adjusting to the loss of a marriage and family is heartrending, let alone having to do it while trying to be a good parent and negotiate the convoluted road of divorce, visitation and child support. No one really cares if you aren't well suited for it......it just IS what you have to do, whether you want to or not! So you try to heal your wounds and limp through it, while most of those around you try not to notice your fresh wounds.
I wish I would have had the voice at the time to shout out, "I AM NOT SUITED FOR THIS. I AM A GREAT STAY AT HOME MOM AND WANT TO BE THE KIND OF MOM WHO NEEDS TO BE THERE FOR HER KIDS, AND IF THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, THEN YOU HAVE TO ALLOW ME TO HAVE WHAT I NEED. MY KIDS DESERVE THE BEST OF ME, NOT THE SLOPPY SECONDS OF MY ATTENTION, AND YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM THEM AND ME!!"
Unfortunately, I lost my voice and did what I thought duty required. I remarried in 1990. I worked with my husband and when I found out that I was pregnant in 1994, I felt like I had been blessed with a giant "Do Over". My son was 15 and daughter 12 when the baby was born and I reveled in the wonder of a new baby. I wanted to revel in the baby mommy job. The fact that her Daddy was probably the least equipped man EVER to be a father, didn't stop my zeal. I was finally able to do my favorite job again! Sure, I had to go to work a few hours a day, but I juggled.....for a while.....until she got too active to take to work and her Dad got frustrated with my inattention to my "real" job. So I returned to work, Emily went to preschool and Kindergarten, and her Dad and I separated. There was another nasty unhappy divorce and I have had to reinvent myself as a working Mom, and again had to give up my favorite career.
So what does this rant have to do with taking care of Charlie this morning? I guess while doing it, I realized.....a day late and a dollar short.......that taking care of babies, toddlers, a family and a household is the work of my heart. I have never been able to "do it all" and frankly I think that concept is mythical -- no one can. So is there a lesson in all of this?
To you who are young........CHOOSE WISELY when choosing a mate! KNOW yourselves. If you are a family person.......don't even date someone who doesn't want or care about having children! If you LOVE "home-keeping" (as Martha Stewart calls it), then DISCUSS IT with your partner. If you want to be a stay at home Mom........STICK TO YOUR GUNS! Don't ever let anyone make you feel "less than" because you want that career path.
At the same time, if you are a career person....go for it. But KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. Learn about yourself as individual women -- NOT what someone else thinks you should be. Be strong, steadfast and careful. I guess I learned a day late and several dollars short........ and PLEASE, don't do what I did.......do what I say! : )
