Thirty two years ago today, I became a mother. The birthdays of all three of my children were special in so many ways and I don't have a favorite birth day. My son's birth was the first. Growing up, my favorite thing was to play was house, and I was always the Mommy. I loved baby dolls and as I grew up, I loved babies. When I was eleven and twelve, I REALLY wanted my parents to have another baby. Instead I learned to babysit and volunteered to hold and play with babies when we went to church. When I turned 26 and had my first baby -- it was a dream come true! Three years later, I was blessed with a daughter. The difference between having a boy and a girl was surprising to me. She was dainty, he a chunk, she was fussy and he was as mellow as he could be. Twelve years later my youngest came along, and it was a wonderful gift to be a new mommy again. The only training for being a Mom IS "on the job". I had read books and taken classes and babysat, but the first day of being a Mom is the first day on the job.
It is an ever changing job too, never the same day twice. Adaptability is REQUIRED, patience desired. You have to be a caretaker, a nurse, a cook, a teacher, a playmate, a coach, and an authority figure in a differing way every day, and every year. By the time you get the hang of it, and get good at it.......they are grown up and wanting you to stay out of their lives!!!
Just when you think you understand the job, the description changes! Often what happens next is your children become parents and you find yourself with a new position with only "on the job training"....a GRANDMA. Of course at that point, your kids are consumed with being parents, and know you only as Mom. I guess they kinda expect you to know how to magically be a grandma.
Being a Grandma is wonderful, and it is a slippery slope!! You're not the Mom, only sort of.......like a substitute teacher minding the class. The main difference is that the children have major strings attached to your heart. You delight in their firsts, marvel at their cuteness, worry over their problems and boo-boos like a Mom, yet you aren't! The hardest part is knowing when to STEP BACK! Sometimes your Mom instinct battles to take over, yet you have to put your "skill set" on the shelf and let the new CEO's take over -- and keep your mouth shut too -- even if you think they are making a mistake!
So just when you think you are at the time of your life where you have "worn all of the hats", along comes one of the biggest challenges of them all! It is a good thing that the pay off is in warm smiles, gleeful greetings, hugs, hand holding -- and if you're super lucky, a sleeping grandchild head on your shoulder, and a "Thanks Mom" from your grown kids. It is a gift worth waiting.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
A New Day.......Morning Musings
I awakened earlier than usual today, in the pre-dawn hours before five.....one of the few times my house is quiet these days. I blame my early rising on the fact that I spent the bulk of the previous four days in bed!! Nothing exciting to report however -- I think those days have passed for me! Unfortunately it was the aftermath of a kidney stone and a subsequent infection. Oh great......now I sound like my grandparents! I remember as a child visiting my grandparents house with my parents and other assorted relatives. You could be sure that the talk would eventually turn to discussions of who had what surgery or new medical condition. Even at a young age I would marvel at how long they could talk about that subject while they were playing Canasta in a smoky room and drinking their high balls!
I am sitting on my screened in front porch, it is still dark and cool here in CA. The past few days have been over 103 during the day and humid....for here anyway. I have developed a deep appreciation for the ceiling fan in my bedroom as it has been my closest comforting companion during this period of extreme heat and ill health. No need for it now as it has cooled off to a delicious mid 60's temperature -- one of the gifts of living in a desert area in CA, evening and early morning cooling!
I like the sounds of the awakening of a new day. The crickets still chirping their slow song, the hissing of sprinklers timed to come on between 5 -- 6:00 am, the drone of fans and air conditioners trying to cool homes before the onslaught of the day's heat. There isn't much else moving, a Super Shuttle drove down the street ready to whisk someone to the airport, and my cat coming out to sit with me are the only movements noted.
As the day awakens, so do the noises. It used to be very quiet where I live here in the "hoo-vills", which was what my oldest daughter's word for the term foothills when she was very young -- long before her first Dr. Seuss story. I remember hearing the frogs too. They were extremely loud and part of the night sounds. I haven't heard them in years. I guess they have been replaced by the droning of the 210 freeway, some four miles from here. The semi trucks are very noticeable, far away I can hear a siren. There used to be a lot of pea hens who would call their woeful morning call of "HALP, HALP", but I haven't heard them for a long time either.
The crickets stopping their chirping caused me to look eastward, and I see that indeed the sky is lightening in that direction, a dog down the street barks as the freeway noise gets louder, I hear the first car on the street start. My cat is purring next to me and tweaks his ears as we hear the first squawk of a local mockingbird. Now the 6:00 am chiming of morning mass at the Catholic church are ringing and any minute now I should be hearing the first of the local roosters crow. Maybe if I am lucky, I will hear the whinnying of the horses from the canyon just north, as they are being turned out for a morning feed or ride.
By 6:15 am, the chirping of the crickets has been completely replaced by the chirping of the crows, sparrows, wrens and the cry of a lone chicken hawk. The dawn has been replaced by early morning light as I take a deep breath of the still cool air, savoring it before the oppressive heat of the day kicks in. I smell the faint leftover aromas of Sunday barbecues, and new mown lawns.
The slamming of a screen door snaps me out of my somewhat zen reverie. The words of a children's show that one of my kids watched race through my mind, "Time to get up, time to get going, gonna start a brand new day....."
There are some things I have to do today, dozens I should do and hundreds of things that I could do. Not sure yet how many of them I am going to feel "up to", but I surely am grateful for grabbing this morning time that I didn't have to grab. I could have slept and missed it all! I am very glad I did, as it has been a wonderful gift and reminder of how much we are given every morning.
I am sitting on my screened in front porch, it is still dark and cool here in CA. The past few days have been over 103 during the day and humid....for here anyway. I have developed a deep appreciation for the ceiling fan in my bedroom as it has been my closest comforting companion during this period of extreme heat and ill health. No need for it now as it has cooled off to a delicious mid 60's temperature -- one of the gifts of living in a desert area in CA, evening and early morning cooling!
I like the sounds of the awakening of a new day. The crickets still chirping their slow song, the hissing of sprinklers timed to come on between 5 -- 6:00 am, the drone of fans and air conditioners trying to cool homes before the onslaught of the day's heat. There isn't much else moving, a Super Shuttle drove down the street ready to whisk someone to the airport, and my cat coming out to sit with me are the only movements noted.
As the day awakens, so do the noises. It used to be very quiet where I live here in the "hoo-vills", which was what my oldest daughter's word for the term foothills when she was very young -- long before her first Dr. Seuss story. I remember hearing the frogs too. They were extremely loud and part of the night sounds. I haven't heard them in years. I guess they have been replaced by the droning of the 210 freeway, some four miles from here. The semi trucks are very noticeable, far away I can hear a siren. There used to be a lot of pea hens who would call their woeful morning call of "HALP, HALP", but I haven't heard them for a long time either.
The crickets stopping their chirping caused me to look eastward, and I see that indeed the sky is lightening in that direction, a dog down the street barks as the freeway noise gets louder, I hear the first car on the street start. My cat is purring next to me and tweaks his ears as we hear the first squawk of a local mockingbird. Now the 6:00 am chiming of morning mass at the Catholic church are ringing and any minute now I should be hearing the first of the local roosters crow. Maybe if I am lucky, I will hear the whinnying of the horses from the canyon just north, as they are being turned out for a morning feed or ride.
By 6:15 am, the chirping of the crickets has been completely replaced by the chirping of the crows, sparrows, wrens and the cry of a lone chicken hawk. The dawn has been replaced by early morning light as I take a deep breath of the still cool air, savoring it before the oppressive heat of the day kicks in. I smell the faint leftover aromas of Sunday barbecues, and new mown lawns.
The slamming of a screen door snaps me out of my somewhat zen reverie. The words of a children's show that one of my kids watched race through my mind, "Time to get up, time to get going, gonna start a brand new day....."
There are some things I have to do today, dozens I should do and hundreds of things that I could do. Not sure yet how many of them I am going to feel "up to", but I surely am grateful for grabbing this morning time that I didn't have to grab. I could have slept and missed it all! I am very glad I did, as it has been a wonderful gift and reminder of how much we are given every morning.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
A Day Late and A Dollar Short!
My maternal Grandmother's name was Elizabeth Birdella Morris, Bower, Hughes. She was an amazing, interesting, talented, funny, stubborn, loving, hard working woman. I was very close to her in the formative first 18 years of my life. One of my favorite things about her were her sayings. They pop into my mind daily. This morning's was "A Day Late and A Dollar Short".
I thought of it this morning after having the opportunity to take care of my 8 month old grandson, Charlie. I am lucky enough to have my adult kids have returned home with their children. These are tough economic times, that make it necessary to make changes in our lifestyles. While I am sure that there are times that they long for the privacy of their own places, there are also a lot of great trade offs. Like the fact that there is all most always an extra pair of arms or two to help out with the little ones, or cooking, or yard work, etc. Frankly, it will be a pretty lonely day when they all leave. I think of this often as my youngest is now 16, and chomping at the bit to spread her wings.
I thought about it again this morning while taking care of Charlie. I was sitting in my room, working on a project and heard him fussing, kinda whining, with that, "I'm bored, get me outta here sound in his voice."
One thing that I learned early on in this living arrangement is: I am NOT the MAMA! It is hard, but after making it my mantra when my granddaughter was born 3 1/2 years ago, it is easier this time. When the crying or fuss reaches a certain point with either grandchild, I will, however check in on the situation. This morning, Charlie's Mama and Daddy were extra tired, so I offered to take him for a while.
It is funny how it all comes back. First thing, new diaper to replace the soggy one. Next, play time that involved singing, pat-a-cake (his new favorite), kicking exercise, cross pattern exercise, & "This little piggy".
Then on to breakfast of oatmeal cereal mixed with warm water and baby apricots. He didn't really want to eat......but I knew he needed to. So we played eating games, and lo and behold, I got him to eat a half a bowl of cereal. Knowing he was dry and fed, I cleaned out his play pen and reorganized and assembled all his toys. He was happy as can be to play while I cleaned up the table, washed a load of dishes and watered the front porch plants. It took me back to a very distant memory.....I felt focused, and happy......like I was doing what I was meant to do.
And then it hit me........."A Day Late and A Dollar Short"...........this is the job that I was always best suited for, and the one I love the most........a stay at home wife and Mom. I LOVE the job and am so well suited for it. I loved summertime with my kids and always felt sad when it was time for the kids to return to school. I loved family mealtime and making food with my kids. I love yard work and gardening and sewing and playing with children......and of all the jobs that I have loved......it is the one that I was never able to devote myself to.
I had moments in time. When my son was a baby, I had three gardens, baked bread every Tuesday, had laundry day, ironed my husband's shirts and even canned. Somehow, I got swept into the idea that I wasn't "contributing" enough to the family and should be making an income too. I will never forget the first day that I took him to daycare at 22 months old. I cried all the way to work. It always felt wrong for me.
You make yourself do what you think you have to and learn little by little to give up what you want. A few months after that, I found out that I was pregnant again. Sure......I was a "modern" woman. I worked through the entire pregnancy, and because I owned my own business, I returned to work with my newborn in tow when she was 8 days old. I got up every morning and took care of an infant and a 3 year old and got us ready for the day. Took him to preschool, her with me, and worked all day long, returning home between 6 to 7 pm. "I am Woman, Hear me Roar", or was that "Snore"? Small wonder that my marriage disintegrated by 1984, when my daughter was 15 months old.
Then I entered the Divorced Mom's world of survival.........just trying to get through the days and weeks and months of keeping your head above water. Adjusting to the loss of a marriage and family is heartrending, let alone having to do it while trying to be a good parent and negotiate the convoluted road of divorce, visitation and child support. No one really cares if you aren't well suited for it......it just IS what you have to do, whether you want to or not! So you try to heal your wounds and limp through it, while most of those around you try not to notice your fresh wounds.
I wish I would have had the voice at the time to shout out, "I AM NOT SUITED FOR THIS. I AM A GREAT STAY AT HOME MOM AND WANT TO BE THE KIND OF MOM WHO NEEDS TO BE THERE FOR HER KIDS, AND IF THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, THEN YOU HAVE TO ALLOW ME TO HAVE WHAT I NEED. MY KIDS DESERVE THE BEST OF ME, NOT THE SLOPPY SECONDS OF MY ATTENTION, AND YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM THEM AND ME!!"
Unfortunately, I lost my voice and did what I thought duty required. I remarried in 1990. I worked with my husband and when I found out that I was pregnant in 1994, I felt like I had been blessed with a giant "Do Over". My son was 15 and daughter 12 when the baby was born and I reveled in the wonder of a new baby. I wanted to revel in the baby mommy job. The fact that her Daddy was probably the least equipped man EVER to be a father, didn't stop my zeal. I was finally able to do my favorite job again! Sure, I had to go to work a few hours a day, but I juggled.....for a while.....until she got too active to take to work and her Dad got frustrated with my inattention to my "real" job. So I returned to work, Emily went to preschool and Kindergarten, and her Dad and I separated. There was another nasty unhappy divorce and I have had to reinvent myself as a working Mom, and again had to give up my favorite career.
So what does this rant have to do with taking care of Charlie this morning? I guess while doing it, I realized.....a day late and a dollar short.......that taking care of babies, toddlers, a family and a household is the work of my heart. I have never been able to "do it all" and frankly I think that concept is mythical -- no one can. So is there a lesson in all of this?
To you who are young........CHOOSE WISELY when choosing a mate! KNOW yourselves. If you are a family person.......don't even date someone who doesn't want or care about having children! If you LOVE "home-keeping" (as Martha Stewart calls it), then DISCUSS IT with your partner. If you want to be a stay at home Mom........STICK TO YOUR GUNS! Don't ever let anyone make you feel "less than" because you want that career path.
At the same time, if you are a career person....go for it. But KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. Learn about yourself as individual women -- NOT what someone else thinks you should be. Be strong, steadfast and careful. I guess I learned a day late and several dollars short........ and PLEASE, don't do what I did.......do what I say! : )
I thought of it this morning after having the opportunity to take care of my 8 month old grandson, Charlie. I am lucky enough to have my adult kids have returned home with their children. These are tough economic times, that make it necessary to make changes in our lifestyles. While I am sure that there are times that they long for the privacy of their own places, there are also a lot of great trade offs. Like the fact that there is all most always an extra pair of arms or two to help out with the little ones, or cooking, or yard work, etc. Frankly, it will be a pretty lonely day when they all leave. I think of this often as my youngest is now 16, and chomping at the bit to spread her wings.
I thought about it again this morning while taking care of Charlie. I was sitting in my room, working on a project and heard him fussing, kinda whining, with that, "I'm bored, get me outta here sound in his voice."
One thing that I learned early on in this living arrangement is: I am NOT the MAMA! It is hard, but after making it my mantra when my granddaughter was born 3 1/2 years ago, it is easier this time. When the crying or fuss reaches a certain point with either grandchild, I will, however check in on the situation. This morning, Charlie's Mama and Daddy were extra tired, so I offered to take him for a while.
It is funny how it all comes back. First thing, new diaper to replace the soggy one. Next, play time that involved singing, pat-a-cake (his new favorite), kicking exercise, cross pattern exercise, & "This little piggy".
Then on to breakfast of oatmeal cereal mixed with warm water and baby apricots. He didn't really want to eat......but I knew he needed to. So we played eating games, and lo and behold, I got him to eat a half a bowl of cereal. Knowing he was dry and fed, I cleaned out his play pen and reorganized and assembled all his toys. He was happy as can be to play while I cleaned up the table, washed a load of dishes and watered the front porch plants. It took me back to a very distant memory.....I felt focused, and happy......like I was doing what I was meant to do.
And then it hit me........."A Day Late and A Dollar Short"...........this is the job that I was always best suited for, and the one I love the most........a stay at home wife and Mom. I LOVE the job and am so well suited for it. I loved summertime with my kids and always felt sad when it was time for the kids to return to school. I loved family mealtime and making food with my kids. I love yard work and gardening and sewing and playing with children......and of all the jobs that I have loved......it is the one that I was never able to devote myself to.
I had moments in time. When my son was a baby, I had three gardens, baked bread every Tuesday, had laundry day, ironed my husband's shirts and even canned. Somehow, I got swept into the idea that I wasn't "contributing" enough to the family and should be making an income too. I will never forget the first day that I took him to daycare at 22 months old. I cried all the way to work. It always felt wrong for me.
You make yourself do what you think you have to and learn little by little to give up what you want. A few months after that, I found out that I was pregnant again. Sure......I was a "modern" woman. I worked through the entire pregnancy, and because I owned my own business, I returned to work with my newborn in tow when she was 8 days old. I got up every morning and took care of an infant and a 3 year old and got us ready for the day. Took him to preschool, her with me, and worked all day long, returning home between 6 to 7 pm. "I am Woman, Hear me Roar", or was that "Snore"? Small wonder that my marriage disintegrated by 1984, when my daughter was 15 months old.
Then I entered the Divorced Mom's world of survival.........just trying to get through the days and weeks and months of keeping your head above water. Adjusting to the loss of a marriage and family is heartrending, let alone having to do it while trying to be a good parent and negotiate the convoluted road of divorce, visitation and child support. No one really cares if you aren't well suited for it......it just IS what you have to do, whether you want to or not! So you try to heal your wounds and limp through it, while most of those around you try not to notice your fresh wounds.
I wish I would have had the voice at the time to shout out, "I AM NOT SUITED FOR THIS. I AM A GREAT STAY AT HOME MOM AND WANT TO BE THE KIND OF MOM WHO NEEDS TO BE THERE FOR HER KIDS, AND IF THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, THEN YOU HAVE TO ALLOW ME TO HAVE WHAT I NEED. MY KIDS DESERVE THE BEST OF ME, NOT THE SLOPPY SECONDS OF MY ATTENTION, AND YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM THEM AND ME!!"
Unfortunately, I lost my voice and did what I thought duty required. I remarried in 1990. I worked with my husband and when I found out that I was pregnant in 1994, I felt like I had been blessed with a giant "Do Over". My son was 15 and daughter 12 when the baby was born and I reveled in the wonder of a new baby. I wanted to revel in the baby mommy job. The fact that her Daddy was probably the least equipped man EVER to be a father, didn't stop my zeal. I was finally able to do my favorite job again! Sure, I had to go to work a few hours a day, but I juggled.....for a while.....until she got too active to take to work and her Dad got frustrated with my inattention to my "real" job. So I returned to work, Emily went to preschool and Kindergarten, and her Dad and I separated. There was another nasty unhappy divorce and I have had to reinvent myself as a working Mom, and again had to give up my favorite career.
So what does this rant have to do with taking care of Charlie this morning? I guess while doing it, I realized.....a day late and a dollar short.......that taking care of babies, toddlers, a family and a household is the work of my heart. I have never been able to "do it all" and frankly I think that concept is mythical -- no one can. So is there a lesson in all of this?
To you who are young........CHOOSE WISELY when choosing a mate! KNOW yourselves. If you are a family person.......don't even date someone who doesn't want or care about having children! If you LOVE "home-keeping" (as Martha Stewart calls it), then DISCUSS IT with your partner. If you want to be a stay at home Mom........STICK TO YOUR GUNS! Don't ever let anyone make you feel "less than" because you want that career path.
At the same time, if you are a career person....go for it. But KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. Learn about yourself as individual women -- NOT what someone else thinks you should be. Be strong, steadfast and careful. I guess I learned a day late and several dollars short........ and PLEASE, don't do what I did.......do what I say! : )
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